“The wealthy sleep more than you do.” – WALL STREET JOURNAL
“And if tonight my soul may find her peace in sleep, and sink in good oblivion, and in the morning wake like a new-opened flower, then I have been dipped again in God, and new-created.” – DH LAWRENCE
“When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‘Did you sleep good?’ I said ‘No, I made a few mistakes.” – STEVEN WRIGHT
Americans suck at sleeping.
According to a 2011 poll from the National Sleep Foundation, 43% of Americans say they never get a good nights sleep, 60% say they experience a sleep problem every night, 15% sleep less than 6 hours a night, and 100% say there shouldn’t be foundations for sleeping; people should just sleep.
Getting less than 7.5 hours solid sleep has the following consequences and repercussions:
– lower stress threshold
– impaired memory
– trouble concentrating
– decreased optimism
– impaired creativity
– increased blood pressure
– increased appetite
– increased risk of death
– increased risk of no life after death
I made that last one up, but the rest are real.
Why aren’t Americans sleeping?
I don’t think so. Tribal warriors in the Amazon jungle sleep like babies for ten hours a night on ancient beds called Dirt & Rocks™.
Lack of quality sleep masks?
We don’t lack shiz in America. Lack is for other lazier countries. I have nine sleep masks made of Japanese baby llama wool that cost $400 each. I put one in each room of the house for whenever I feel like dozing off randomly. Sometimes I wear all of them at once even when I’m working just in case.
Too many screaming babies?
Yeah right. We stopped having babies after Roe v Wade. America doesn’t have time for babies. We’re too busy struggling to stay awake during the day.
I could go on.
Sleep that knits up the ravelled sleave of care
The death of each day’s life, sore labour’s bath
Balm of hurt minds, great nature’s second course,
Chief nourisher in life’s feast.
-William Shakespeare, Macbeth
I have NO IDEA what any of that means, but I’m pretty sure he’s saying, “You need to go to sleep.”
There are three reasons we’re not sleeping:
1. We don’t value sleep (or sanity).
2. We have levels of stress and anxiety that, if you were to lay them on a pre-industrial- revolution-era peasant worker for just one second, they would die instantly.
3. Our consciences won’t allow it.
We’ll address these three things in a moment. But first …
What if I told you that you had a 1,000% better chance of becoming wealthy by simply getting a better night’s sleep?
To make it in this post-modern, high-tech globally connected world where no one gives a crap about anyone else and is focused solely on their own personal pleasure requires super-human levels of focus, motivation and energy. And this is impossible without a good night’s sleep.
There are three ways to deal with this:
1. Say “F U world,” move to a small farm in North Dakota and opt out of the insanity (not a bad idea, and I have seriously contemplated it).
2. Say “screw sleep – sleep is for sissies” and slam Dopios spiked with 5-Hour Energy’s all day long.
3. Learn how to manage energy and get a good night’s sleep.
I recently read an article about 19 “powerful” people who have chosen to pimp-slap the Sleep Fairy and go with option #2. Apparently they don’t require the standard 7-8 hours of sleep that the rest of us mere mortals do.
Here’s a small sampling of the super-successful non-sleeper’s hibernating habits …
Marissa Mayer, Yahoo CEO
Works 130 hours a week and sleeps 4-6 hours a night. Apparently between supporting the world’s worst search engine and running the PRISM spy program on its loyal victims — I mean customers — there is not much conscience left over to allow for sleep.
Jack Dorsey, Twitter Founder
Works 20 hours a day and sleeps 4 hours a night. Rumor has it that 10 of those 20 hours are spent trying to figure out how to give us less than 140 Twitter characters without a public uprising as well as a way for the company to actually make money.
Donald Trump, No Title Needed – He’s mother effin Donald Trump!
Sleeps 3 or 4 hours a night with one eye open and can’t understand how anyone could live with themselves doing anything differently. “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” is his favorite Haiku. Don, this is why your hair is doing what it’s doing. And it’s affecting all of us. I just had a nightmare about your hair last night. It made me get only 7.1 hours sleep and now I’m cranky and this blog post isn’t as informatively useful as it most likely wasn’t going to be anyway. Please stay asleep more.
Jay Leno, Host of The Tonight Show
Does 150 stand-up comedy gigs a year plus the Tonight Show five nights a week. That’s 460 nights a year. Not even possible, but he sleeps five hours each of those nights.
Don, look at Leno’s hair. That’s what 2 extra hours of sleep will do.
LISTEN: All these people have one thing in common:
They’re all going to die sometime in the next 45 minutes.
Wealth is wonderful. But not if you’re dead.
You know that expression “you can’t take it with you?” Well that does not apply to Jay Leno’s hair. No one says where Jay Leno’s hair can go. That thick crop of amazingness is freakin immortal. Jay Leno has so much hair, the aliens mistook it for a wheat field last year and did a crop circle on it. They abducted half his hair to study it and it still looks fuller than ever.
But the expression does have ramifications for the rest of us less follicley fortunate.
I don’t care if you are Jack Dorsey, Donald Trump, or the president of the United States — you need 7-8 hours of sleep a night or you are taunting the Grim Freakin Reaper.
“What does a man profit if he gains the whole world, but forfeits his soul?”
– Some Old Fashioned Guy Who Obviously Is Out Of Touch With The Modern World
Do you know why the Grim Reaper carries that razor sharp scythe around with him?
Definitely NOT to cut Jay Leno’s hair that’s for sure! Jay Leno’s hair cuts itself. Automatically. Jesus never even came close to sinning one single time except for once when he looked into the future, saw Leno’s hair and came within a nanosecond of coveting it. That thick silky mane single-hairdedly almost messed up the redemption plan of the entire universe.
Have you ever noticed that presidents of the United States look like they age about 95 years after an 8-year term?
You’re about to notice.
There’s a reason why all presidents besides Barack (why does everyone call him by his last name?) age horribly in office.
They don’t sleep very well.
It’s kind of a stressful job nannying 7 billion people. One could get anxiety I suppose.
My long-winded point …
America is the most sleep-deprived nation on earth. We are also one of the illest (not in a Beastie Boy way), obese, diseased, and psychotic countries as well.
We are sleep-deprived because we are peace-deprived.
And our wealth is dwindling as a direct result.
A Harvard study estimates that sleep deprivation is costing companies $63.2 billion dollars in lost revenue each year due to decreased productivity.
What if only the people who would commit to getting a good night’s sleep got to split that 63 billion dollars? Would you play that game?
Well I’ve got good news for you …
That game is ON.
Here’s how to win:
1) Start valuing sleep. Understand at a deep level that your happiness, well-being, and wealth depend on you being well rested.
Don’t let anything come between you and your 7-8 hours. Defend it like you defend your doughnuts from people at work who keep asking if they can have one. And then start not having doughnuts at some point. That will help too.
2) Exercise vigorously in the late afternoon or early evening. When I say vigorously I mean sweat should be gushing from every pore of your body. You should look like a freaking fountain. If people aren’t tossing pennies at you and wishing for things you’re not doing it right. This will both reduce stress and get you enough pennies to buy some melatonin.
3) Melatonin sucks by itself. Take the #1 best sleep supplement in the known universe: http://www.poweronpoweroff.com I take these every night and I’ve been winning national sleeping contests ever since. It’s like taking a handful of sleeping pills plus harpooning yourself with a whale tranquilizer but good for you.
4) Take cold showers and ice baths. I take 3 ice baths a week. The trick is to make the bath at room temperature, get in, and then put a few bags of ice in. It slow freezes you like a frog in boiling water but the opposite of that. Don’t be a hero and put the ice in first; trust me.
Ice baths are like putting a shotgun to the head of anxiety and pulling the trigger. It also naturally boosts your body’s production of melatonin, which as I said, sucks by itself. (http://www.poweronpoweroff.com)
I realize this may sound insane to some people, but it’s no more insane than sleeping 5 hours a night, drinking coffee to stay up, alcohol to get back down, and then putting poisonous chemicals on your face to erase the wrinkles that come as a direct result. If you’ve never slept for 8 hours, try it once. You will be amazed at what your face and eyes look like in the morning. It is like you slept in a time machine that went back twenty years.
Sleep is the new Botox.
5) Be as productive as possible during the day. If you don’t, your conscience won’t let you sleep. “I Could’ve Done More” is the worst lullaby song ever. Worse than Rock A Bye Baby. “… the cradle will fall and down will come baby cradle and all???” Who the heck wrote that psycho-song for infants, and how did it catch on exactly? That’s right up there with the “and if I should die before I wake …” kid’s prayer. WTF? That had to have been the Nazi’s.
“A day, well spent, brings happy sleep.” – Leonardo Da Vinci
6) Destroy as few lives as possible during the day. If you don’t, your conscience won’t let you sleep. “I Could’ve Destroyed Less” is another lullaby flop. Ironically, that one was a hit with the Nazi’s. It put them all to sleep. That’s how we won.
“Your life is a reflection of how you sleep, and how you sleep is a reflection of your life.” -Dr. Rafael Pelayo
7) Rub a few drops of lavender and chamomile essential oil on the bottom of your feet and palm of hands right before bed. Cup your hands over your mouth and breath it in for a minute. Add a few drops of chloroform if the situation warrants.*
8) Get 20 minutes of morning sunlight on as much of your body as possible. This adjusts your body’s circadian rhythm to match reality. People used to be out in the sun every day. I don’t know if you know that or not.
9) Turn your TV off two hours before bed. Your brain thinks it’s the sun and it messes your circadian rhythm up. Better yet, never turn it on in the first place. You have no idea how dumb it’s making you.
10) Develop a ritual (possibly with some of the things above) before bed. This sends a clear message to your subconscious that it’s time to switch everything off. Don’t let this somehow devolve into a Satanic ritual. Those are bad. Satan is a horrible sleeper.
11) Read fiction before bed. Preferably something funny that makes you laugh out loud. Laughing boosts serotonin. Try “Asshole: How I Got Rich & Happy By Not Giving a Damn About Anyone & How You Can, Too (kind of a vulgar title for marketing’s sake, but its one of the funniest books I’ve ever read)
12) Count 100 “Gratitude Sheep” when you close your eyes:
1 … I’m grateful it wasn’t any worse than it definitely was today.
2 … I’m grateful I wasn’t born a Nazi.
3 … I’m grateful for the extra bowl of porridge Barack has rationed us this month March 2024.
4 … zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
I have like twenty more tips but this is all you’re getting for free.
And by the way, anything more than 8 hours of sleep is bad for you. You will find yourself more and more tired during the day for every minute over 8 hours you slack around in bed. If that’s you, wake the heck up and stop avoiding reality. It’s not as bad as you’re thinking it is. It’s close, but not totally as bad. And I mean let’s face it … if you can sleep like a baby for more than eight hours with no trouble at all without smoking weed or popping Ambien?? You might have more in common with that baby than you think.
Here’s a good rule of thumb: If you’re living life properly you should have to fight for sleep (but still get it), and be glad when it’s over – meaning you pop out of bed without hitting a snooze button. Dude if you are hitting a snooze button you are LOSING. Snooze buttons are for losers. Straight up. I know this because whenever I used them fifteen years ago I was losing badly.
“I love sleep. My life has a tendency to fall apart when I’m awake, you know?” – Ernest Hemingway
Recommended Reading: The Power of Full Engagement by Tony Schwartz
Ancient Wisdom To Memorize: It is vain for you to rise up early, To retire late, To eat the bread of painful labors; For He gives to His beloved even in his sleep.
Affirmation For The Week: I value sleep and am always full of energy.
* DO NOT ACTUALLY DO THIS! And don’t Google “chloroform” unless you want a SWAT team knocking your door down in the next half hour.
Leave a comment below, let us know how much sleep you get, and tell us any sleep-tricks you have up your sleeve. The world needs to know!
And don’t forget to click the Facebook and Twitter icons to share the love with your friends!