The Story Of The Two Flippers
By Pre$ton Ely

Once upon a time, there were two real estate wholesalers. Flip and Skip. They lived in a small town called Flipville. Flipville, USA.

Life was good in Flipville for little Flip and Skip. They were both really good at flipping houses. They would flip houses all day long. Then they would meet at a local bar, give each other a high five, and drink a beer.

Life was good.

Then one day, Skip made what turned out to be a disastrous mistake. He bought a t.v. and started watching CNN.

You see, unbeknownst to Flip and Skip, the country was in a recession. But they didn’t know that. And like the complete idiots they were, they just kept right on doing business as usual, flipping houses every day and meeting at night for a high five and a beer!

But this was all about to change.

As fate would have it, Skip didn’t show up at the bar one night. Flip sat there by himself all night long. And it sucked because he had to just high five himself because the bartender was a jerk and wouldn’t play along.

Flip was temped to get upset about the whole thing, but he didn’t. He tried, but no matter how hard he tried it didn’t work cuz he was too happy about all the houses he flipped that day.

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“Oh well,” thought little Flip as he walked home. “It’s Skip’s loss. We’ll just have to do TWO high fives tomorrow night.” He laughed himself to sleep.

But tomorrow night came. And Skip was nowhere to be found.

And the next night came. No Skip.

This continued for two weeks.

“That’s it, I’m pissed,” thought Flip. “I’ve high fived myself 14 nights in a row. This is getting ridiculous. I’m going over to Skip’s house to do my dang high five the right way.”

Flip punched the bartender in the face for not ever high fiving him, then turned and stormed out of the bar. Flip was a nice guy, but sometimes even nice guys need to stand up to injustices.

The walk over to Skips definitely sucked bad. It was like 19 miles or so, and he started getting a cramp from whistling too much while he walked. He knew if he stopped whistling his cramp would probably go away, but he just couldn’t stop himself. He really loved whistling. And in case you’re wondering, there are no such thing as cars in Flipville.

Eventually, Flip limped up to Skip’s driveway (which was weird because there’s no cars in Flipville).
“What the heck is Skip doing with a driveway,” whistled Flip. “Oh well, who cares,” he thought as he crawled up towards the door in excruciating pain from his cramps. “I’m just happy to finally be here. I wonder what Skip is doing.”

As Flip made his way to the door, his stomach sank as he caught the reflection of the most perverted thing you could ever imagine bouncing off the picture window…

Richard Quest reporting live on CNN!!!

“WHAT IN THE HECK IS GOING ON???” yelled Flip as he barged through the door. And there lye Skip on the Lazy Boy.

Unshaven (which was nothing new, but still..).

Drooling (definitely new).

Eyes glazed over … just staring at the screen like a zombie.

“Come on in, Flip,” Skip said lackadaisically. Pull up a chair. You’re never gonna believe what’s going on with the economy. We’re in a recess. No one is making any money right now. It’s all over. We can’t flip houses anymore. No one will ever buy them.”

Flip couldn’t believe what he was hearing. I mean, he knew Skip wasn’t the brightest star in the sky, but this was just a whole new level of stupidity that he was surprised even existed in a living human.
“I flipped 19 houses today you freakin’ idiot!” yelled Flip as he smacked little Skip straight off the Lazy Boy. And we’re not in a “recess” either, jackass. I’m pretty sure that’s not even how you say it.

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Now, Skip, you’re not gonna like this very much probably, but it’s for your own good. You’ll thank me later maybe.”

At this, Skip watched with a look of horror in is eyes as Flip bounced off the couch, flew through the air like a Pokemon, and karate kicked the tv straight out the picture window and onto the driveway.

“Why do I have that driveway?” thought Skip.

Then Flip smacked Skip straight across the face. Again. Hard.

“Skip, you are getting stupider and stupider by the day. Why in the heck did you buy that dumb tv? Worse yet, what were you thinking watching the NEWS???? And on CNN of all stations!

Don’t you realize that your mind has no choice but to give you what you put IN it? If you start listening to a bunch of stuff about a recess, you’re gonna become poor, just like you’re doing right now!”

“And if you put Richard Quest in your mind, you’re gonna turn into a crack head with a rope tied from your neck to your testicles standing outside in Central Park with a sex toy in your socks looking like a complete tool! Google it if you don’t believe me. Is that what you want???”

Skip thought about it. He definitely did NOT want to tie anything around his testicles. And he was starting to get hungry. Ever since he started living in a recess he hadn’t had any desire to go out and flip houses so he was totally broke.

“Flip, you’re right. I’ve made a huge mistake watching the news about this recess. The pretty people on the screen were just so convincing that I figured it MUST be true. I figured they must be smarter than me since they’re the ones on tv. So I just started acting that way and it BECAME true for me! What a moron I’ve been! Thank you for coming to rescue me!”

“You’re welcome, Skip. Now, take this house I bought today and go flip it to one of the OTHER people out there like us who don’t give a crap WHAT that stupid tv says and are just doing business as usual because they’re not total puppet-robots of the media like you started to be for a second there.”

So Skip went out and flipped the house to one of the other non-suckers in less than 17 minutes. He felt better, but something was still missing.

“I know what it is,” thought Skip.

He grabbed Flip, ran down to the bar, did a high five and drank a beer. His sense of sanity was immediately restored. Then he beat the bartender up for being so mean to Flip while he was gone.

The End.

The Moral Of The Story –

97 out of 100 people get depressed after watching the news. 3 out of 100 people actually make anything out of their lives worth a crap.

You do the math.

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